Friday, March 27, 2015

Living in the Moment Part 1

There had been  point in my life where I was so carefree, no obligations and loved to live! I saw beauty in everything. I would not get mad or angry I would just learn from it and move on. I had so much energy where I wanted to go go go. I wanted to explore the world. If I had the opportunity and the everything aligned right I would take it. I hated feeling stuck in something that was not producing growth in different ways. When I felt that way I had to break free.

"I was not scared to enjoy life. I was not scared to take risks. I was not scared to love hard. I was not scared to be me. And then I got married."

Everything changed. I had to check in with someone about everything. I could not just get up and travel the way I wanted because my money was no longer just mine. I got heavily involved in church and was involved over the youth ministry, was the only soprano on our praise and worship team that sang every Wednesday and Sunday, office administrator and wife of a minister. If I was going out of town I would have to be back and be at church on Sunday.

My vision for my marriage was to pretty much enjoy life together as a team, like really experience it, build a life of meaning and purpose and it was not happening. I began to feel really stuck and not feeling like myself. People at the church expected me to be and act a certain way and I felt attacked and criticized in a way that pushes people out of the church. A little about me, I am pretty much a black, "proper-speaking" hippie and I went to to an urban church so I stuck out big time and it felt like all eyes were on me. 

Because of that, all the things I was doing at church and work, the many issues in my marriage, my prayers began to change. I was asking God for a release of some things and to shift some people! Well God answered my prayers, not the way I had a imagined it but I am so grateful. When you get a divorce there are some things one spouse keeps and the other has to give up. My ex kept the church but I kept my lifelong friends that I made at the church. So I realized the release and shifting of people was me, I was moved out and I am no longer at the church leaving me with very little responsibilities and of course the divorce.

With the wonderful release, I am so thrilled to get back to me and really being me with no apologies. I remember this guy named Freud he looked at me and said, "Cicely, why are you always smiling?" I said, "because God is good and life is good." I had experienced a lot of negative things in my life and my friend  Margeaux would be in awe because I stayed happy despite all my circumstances. Life is just too short and I really want to live!

I have been given another chance to really embrace my explorative self and to not take life and people for granted. I feel sad for people who can only see as far as their current situation. I felt sad for me because I had all these dreams and visions and I was stuck. But not anymore. I am not scared to live or take risks or love hard. If the window of opportunity opens up and other things align right then I am going for it. I may fail miserably or get hurt badly but I rather feel that pain rather than the pain of what ifs and not knowing. 

I am still that same woman that got interviewed for a job in Miami Friday morning, got excepted Friday afternoon, got there Monday the day before my birthday with only $250 in my bank and no where to stay! But it all worked out and stayed for two years!

I am getting back to my lively and bubbly self! I am taking pictures of things I find that are beautiful in everyday life. I have reached out to more people and have sent encouragement to those who need a little extra love. I love to make people happy and laugh and because I have found my happy I can do that for others.  

I read something where it said the live in the moment and I will enjoy every moment. I am going to take opportunities that present itself to me that will make me appreciate life, love and people more. I am going feel the moments and create lifelong memories that I can share with my future children. This lady just told me over lunch that a 16 year kid fell sick out of the blue and over the next few hours became paralyzed and then his body shut down and died. He nor his family knew that he was sick but just like that he died. 

It just makes me think that all this hoping and wishing that I and others do will just stay as hopes and wishes and then life ends. I do not want that for my life... 

Stay tuned for part two of living in the moment... 

If you liked this, please share in hopes to encourage someone today

Peace and blessings,

Monday, March 23, 2015

Top 5 H.O.T.W- Happiness of the week 3.21.15

I am starting a thing called H.O.T.W. which stands for Happiness of the Week. There is O.O.T.D, Q.O.T.D. and more. In my journey to Thriving after Divorce one of the main things for me is to be happy with things going on around me. I do not have a hard time doing so but being more intentional to my thoughts and how my feelings are connected to those feels good. So many people rely on PEOPLE, spouses, teachers, parents etc. to make them happy and that is not how it works. I tried that the first 1.5 years of my marriage expecting my husband to make me happy... I realized that if anybody is to make me happy it is myself. Towards the last year of marriage, I began to do things that made me happy. I am all about enjoying experiences and doing things so I knew that my energy of happiness would come from events and activities.

One thing that I really enjoy is a nice glass or two of wine. It is the taste, the smell, the experience and if I am around people its the laughter and conversation. So I started a wine club. A group of old coworkers quickly became coworkers and their friends and just being around a bunch of amazing women drinking, I mean TASTING the many wines was amazing! We fell off and yep gotta get that back going!

Another thing that I started doing was Vlogging. I love to talk and feel like I have a lot to say for the most part. I struggle because I am trying to find my niche... Not everyone can be beauty vloggers...

So as I continue my mission for happiness I will be doing H.O.T.W and please share yours on my Twitter, Facebook and this blog. So let's get started...

Top 5 H.O.T.W.

  • Empire Season Final- I do not condone fighting but for some reason I was tired of Miss Boo Boo Kitty and was so glad when Cookie yea beat her down. I am glad it is over too until next season. I have never been so anxious for a show in 10 years. This is the first show and I was like I need to watch. I did not like how it controlled me. But I was glad Andre's wife came back! YES TO MARRIAGE but NO TO ABUSIVE MARRIAGES! 

  • Raw Chocolate Vegan Pudding- I made this after a salty lunch and I was like OH MY GOSH. I did not add the vanilla because of my Daniel Fast. I got the recipe from OhSheGlows  I sauteed sliced bananas in coconut oil and cinnamon and topped it off. It was amazing. I let my mom try and she is very picky but she really liked it. I suggest you try it out. 
  • Amazing friends- Had a slight anxiety attack over some really childish stuff and my friends really helped calm my nerves and really showed me some things. I am so grateful! Learned that I could not trust some people in my face but that is all good! My home girl Alaina was in town from L.A. and Soliel, we all went to lunch and had some awesome girl talk. MUCH NEEDED! 
  • Week 1 of this Daniel Fast- Giving up coffee was the hardest thing for the first 2 days. But I am good today at least. I do want to enjoy some coffee soon. But this Daniel Fast has turned into a cleanse and if you ever been on a cleanse you know what I mean! But I love to cook and all week I had been cooking so many new recipes. I love all the time to myself where I can just cook creatively and eat. And it is healthy too so that is a plus!
  • Being Creative- I was going to buy a picture of this wine bottle because I love wine! But I was like wait a minute I can do this! Yep I tried it! Not the best but I like it and it was really calming- healing for the soul! What do you think?

Well anyways! I am off to enjoy The Remnant who was nominated for a Stellar Awards! I am excited! 

Let me know what some of your H.O.T.W.'s were and let's start a new movement! 

Please comment and share!

Peace and Love,

Thursday, March 19, 2015

An Ode to My Lover: Read with Caution!

An Ode to my Lover
Awaken by your sweet smell lingering through the house- I crave you, I want you
Imagining my lips wrapped around waiting to taste you, I crave you, I want you
The warmth of you sliding past my lips, flowing down my tongue as I experience each flavor you give on every part of my tongue
I crave you every day, I experience you in many ways and I love it. I never knew love to be so addicting. 
You are somehow connected to my happiness, when I get you my whole world lights up as the smile on my face spreads so gracefully
Strong and Black you are... but I am open
Sweet and nutty your boldness comes through
I didn't realize how addicted I was to you until I couldn't "HAVE" you
It's been five days since I felt your warmth and I miss you
My attitude has changed and I am going through withdrawals
Counting the day till I can get my "hit" I am a fiend for you- I crave you, I want you
Maybe this detachment is good for right now as I find myself with out you
Just know I crave you badly I want you
My Coffee lover 

I bet you thought I was talking about a man huh! GET YOUR MIND OUT THE GUTTER! 

So I just started the Daniel Fast with my home church. My aunt texted me asking if I wanted to do it with them and I said sure. Did not realize that I could not have my lover everyday. I knew that would be the hardest part about this fast. I kept having these self defeating thoughts and would have to take it captive so that I could really battle this thing. I am a firm believer in enjoying whatever in MODERATION. If something begins to control you then it needs to be put back in its place. And I am putting my coffee addiction in its place.

I am telling you, I was not a nice person until I had my coffee and once I had my first two sips a smile would automatically be plastered on my face. I knew it was a sad situation.

The first day was HORRIBLE... I had the worst headache, straight up throbbing. I had to squint my eyes to focus. I felt like I was super incoherent when talking with people. I was not understanding what was going on. I even snapped on someone. I went to sleep around 6:30 for a few hours woke and then slept the whole night through.

The second day I was tired, I could not focus. I was dragging. I could not work on a specific project for long and I was like OMGEESSHHHH. But I survived still a bit confused at life lol!

Here it is Day 4 and I feel so much better. I am back to laughing and getting a little more to my bubbly self but I am not all the way there. I hope that I can continue my life without the NEED to have coffee. I still have 17 more days left on the fast and I am excited to see what else I learn and unlearn as I seek God and healing and self in this fast.

My coworker came by my desk and I loooked at her all excitedly and told her I am writing something sexy. She asked, "Did you drink coffee?" I said, "No but it's about coffee." She said, " Nothing is sexy about coffee"


Well anyways, I gotta get back to work... shhhhh

I will keep you posted on this wonderful journey of mine!

Peace and Blessings

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Thrive After Divorce: Officially Divorced!

It was Dec. 9, 2014 when I told my aunt, "I think my marriage is over" which was a few weeks before he admitted that he wanted a divorce. I remember going to the movies with a friend about a week after and saw my pastor and first lady and they asked where he was and I was like, "It's over" It isn't like I wanted it to be over but deep down I knew we have exhausted this relationship.

The year leading up to the grand finale, I had seven dreams and knew it was warning before destruction. I knew something big was happening and I did not know what at that time. I could see through those dreams, our hearts for the marriage. I had a sense of peace as the next few months, prior to "THE END" I was so comforted by God.

The official divorce decree was Feb. 9, 2015. But it has been 3 months from that first day of realization. It was so weird because I had been with the same man for almost 4 years and just like that it was over. There was a lot of counseling sessions and conversations between us. Like all marriages we had our share of problems not the end of the world type problems but they were there.

My divorce was not really broadcasted. I did not tell "FACEBOOK" until this week so no one really knew unless they talked with me often. You know how it isn't official unless it is on on the Book.. ha ha ha..

I had been visiting my family church where I grew up and I did not want to attend because I knew there were going to be many questions. I sat next to this lady one day and she asked to see a picture of my "Husband" and I do not think she heard me say we are in the process of getting a divorce. I showed her anyways. Then I made it more clear that we were getting divorced and she said, "Oh don't do that!" with a frown. I was a little offended because I am like you barely know me and you don't know what I have been through. I just smiled and said, "Yea, it's happening" and put my eyes back on the preacher.

Other people at the church was like, "when are we going to meet your husband?" I think in my head, we have been married 2.5 years if you haven't seen/met him yet then that might be a sign. I laugh and let them know, oooo it did not work out!

What is funny is the different responses between black church folk and white people. The white people are all congratulating me! I am like huuuhhhh ok... But it wasn't like that for everyone! But God put a group of wonderful people that has been nothing but healing for my heart.

Another thing that had been healing, I did this thing called WRITE IT DOWN, MAKE IT HAPPEN and I created a list for 2015 of things I want to do. Here are a couple:

  1. Attend 5 NON CHURCH related events- I have been to the Ice Castles in Eden Prairie, I went to a play, and other things.
  2. Go out of Town 3 times- I went to Nashville which was the best thing ever! It had an ice storm however and the town pretty much shut down but had the best time. 
  3. Spend MORE time with my family- I can say that when I did get in my marriage I got "BUSY" with my marriage, church and work. But before then we always hung out. So I have been hanging with my cousins and aunties. It has been great! Looking forward to all of our adventures to come. 
I am excited to check off a lot off my list as I explore life through a different lense.

A quote that helped me, "I am NOT divorced, divorced is an event, I am SINGLE" I have always had a little thing with the word. It sounds like a bad word. So yes, I went through a divorce and it is ok. 

Well stay tuned for more!