Friday, March 27, 2015

Living in the Moment Part 1

There had been  point in my life where I was so carefree, no obligations and loved to live! I saw beauty in everything. I would not get mad or angry I would just learn from it and move on. I had so much energy where I wanted to go go go. I wanted to explore the world. If I had the opportunity and the everything aligned right I would take it. I hated feeling stuck in something that was not producing growth in different ways. When I felt that way I had to break free.

"I was not scared to enjoy life. I was not scared to take risks. I was not scared to love hard. I was not scared to be me. And then I got married."

Everything changed. I had to check in with someone about everything. I could not just get up and travel the way I wanted because my money was no longer just mine. I got heavily involved in church and was involved over the youth ministry, was the only soprano on our praise and worship team that sang every Wednesday and Sunday, office administrator and wife of a minister. If I was going out of town I would have to be back and be at church on Sunday.

My vision for my marriage was to pretty much enjoy life together as a team, like really experience it, build a life of meaning and purpose and it was not happening. I began to feel really stuck and not feeling like myself. People at the church expected me to be and act a certain way and I felt attacked and criticized in a way that pushes people out of the church. A little about me, I am pretty much a black, "proper-speaking" hippie and I went to to an urban church so I stuck out big time and it felt like all eyes were on me. 

Because of that, all the things I was doing at church and work, the many issues in my marriage, my prayers began to change. I was asking God for a release of some things and to shift some people! Well God answered my prayers, not the way I had a imagined it but I am so grateful. When you get a divorce there are some things one spouse keeps and the other has to give up. My ex kept the church but I kept my lifelong friends that I made at the church. So I realized the release and shifting of people was me, I was moved out and I am no longer at the church leaving me with very little responsibilities and of course the divorce.

With the wonderful release, I am so thrilled to get back to me and really being me with no apologies. I remember this guy named Freud he looked at me and said, "Cicely, why are you always smiling?" I said, "because God is good and life is good." I had experienced a lot of negative things in my life and my friend  Margeaux would be in awe because I stayed happy despite all my circumstances. Life is just too short and I really want to live!

I have been given another chance to really embrace my explorative self and to not take life and people for granted. I feel sad for people who can only see as far as their current situation. I felt sad for me because I had all these dreams and visions and I was stuck. But not anymore. I am not scared to live or take risks or love hard. If the window of opportunity opens up and other things align right then I am going for it. I may fail miserably or get hurt badly but I rather feel that pain rather than the pain of what ifs and not knowing. 

I am still that same woman that got interviewed for a job in Miami Friday morning, got excepted Friday afternoon, got there Monday the day before my birthday with only $250 in my bank and no where to stay! But it all worked out and stayed for two years!

I am getting back to my lively and bubbly self! I am taking pictures of things I find that are beautiful in everyday life. I have reached out to more people and have sent encouragement to those who need a little extra love. I love to make people happy and laugh and because I have found my happy I can do that for others.  

I read something where it said the live in the moment and I will enjoy every moment. I am going to take opportunities that present itself to me that will make me appreciate life, love and people more. I am going feel the moments and create lifelong memories that I can share with my future children. This lady just told me over lunch that a 16 year kid fell sick out of the blue and over the next few hours became paralyzed and then his body shut down and died. He nor his family knew that he was sick but just like that he died. 

It just makes me think that all this hoping and wishing that I and others do will just stay as hopes and wishes and then life ends. I do not want that for my life... 

Stay tuned for part two of living in the moment... 

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Peace and blessings,