As I reflected on my life in marriage, I see so many times where I was depressed and didn't seek much help. I did not know I was depressed. I thought I was just sad or unhappy. I began drinking more wine and just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to visit anyone in fear that they may ask how the marriage is and I didn't want to lie.
I felt like I could not get a divorce and that the church and others would look down on me with disapproval and shame. So I did what most people did which was try to make it work despite everything going against it. I truly do believe that the enemy hated our marriage because there was so much potential and damage in a good way that we could do together. I saw that potential and I wanted to make it work. My prayers was like it aint what it looks like it has to get better God! But deep down I wanted out.
I would post a lot saying how much I needed a break from life or a get away. I was serious. I wanted to get away to regroup. Then it started becoming pseudo suicidal thoughts, I did not want to die but I wanted a break. I thought if I ran into that tree, I could get a break. I secretly wanted to be in a car accident or that something bad would happen to me so that I could get a break from life but not permanently.
You have to understand, I was everything for everyone else and in my last blog, I said that I lost me. I really was angry and paranoid. I had a full time volunteer job at the church, full time job, trying to keep the house happy and clean, cook healthy meals participate in family events and more. I hardly had time to focus on me and what I wanted. I was too busy to comprehend that I was depressed. I thank God for His protection and keeping me close even though I felt like I was just the walking dead. I felt like I was just existing and not thriving.
I was lonely. I couldn't talk to my ex-husband and I was scared to reach out to anybody else in fear that they would judge me or tell me some nonsense that would not help me at all. Some that I did reach out to would just shrug it off and say oh it will be alright. I felt like I was yelling at them and saying IT IS NOT ALRIGHT! No one could see what I saw and that made me feel so alone. I was scared to tell certain people because they would be like girl you need to just leave him, you deserve so much better. I couldn't find that perfect help. Until I took it up with God.
I am telling you the peace that I got the few months before the "I want a divorce" and after, only God can do that sort of thing. He was giving me dreams that were terrifying at first but after it was all said and done I knew it was God's warning before destruction. So I was not in shock, I was not heart broken, I was not angry I was relieved.
Depression is so real though and many people do not realize they are depressed as they are going through it. Many are trying to reach out and are screaming with their actions and not their words. One thing I am working on doing as I heal and understand me more is understanding how and why I am feeling what. I am learning how to be in-tune with my emotions and feelings so that I will be able to fully verbalize it with out fear.
Many people believe that in order to know who you truly are you have to be on this solo journey of self-actualization. I believe that you really don't know who you are until you are in deep relationships with people. You can say you will never do something or if someone did something to you, you know exactly what you would do, but I think that is a flat out lie. I think you begin to find yourself when you can go in deep or not so deep with people/relationships. Your initial reactions when someone tells you something you were not expecting, how you act when you and the other person are at odds or in favor with one another. You say you want a specific lifestyle and when the opportunity presents itself you thought you knew exactly what you would do yet you do the total opposite.
Maybe you are depressed or know someone that it depressed or maybe you have no clue, visit this site to help you understand depression.
Have you been in a similar situation as mine? Share how you conquered or in progress to conquering depression or any other mental illness in your life. Any suggestions for me moving forward?
Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for more.
Peace and Blessings,
Cicely-Renee
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