I realized that I was not hurting anyone but myself. It took a card from my mother with Psalms 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
written in it. However, I brushed it off. But then God spoke through a gentleman which reveled confirmation. He told me that verse and then it clicked. I realized that GOD made me ON purpose WITH purpose. I then calmed my ways out there in the world. I did not completely stop what I was doing but I began to see the value of my life and that I had so much more to live by.
I reflect on all the ways God kept me from hurt and harm and all the danger. It was like I floated through everything and was not TOUCHED by a single thing. I went about 7 years of living in the eye of the storm, I did not see the peace and the quiet all I saw was the dangers all around me. I now know that God was carrying me and telling me this is not what I have for you.
My mother told me when I was younger that I was putting up glasses in the cupboards and leaned on it the wrong way and about 30 glasses fell not on top of me but all around me. Not one single touch.
One day I was driving drunk and high. I drove only about 8 blocks. I knew I could not and should not drive but I did anyways, God made sure I did not run into anything, I parked that car horribly and went home to bed.
I never fit in when I was doing the wrong thing I know because I did not like going out and getting drunk. I did not like the feeling, I did not like feeling like I had no control. I now know that God put something in me, you know, my purpose, because like a bad heart, my body, heart and mind rejected these events.
But God, He protected me and carried me when I was not myself. Once I realized that, I had to ingrain in my mind so it could get into my heart so that it got into my walk and talk that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.