Envy, I slowly crept into an envious state as I got older and was not getting what I wanted but everyone else was... there goes that patience out the window. Love does not boast, I can say this, being honest, I don't boast in public... Sometimes I do think I am better than others and I struggle with that because I do not want to be that way. I cannot stand when people do that and I definitely do not truly think highly of myself. Love does not dishonor others... this I played and twisted it... I did not dishonor yet I did not give honor to whom it was due either. That's that envious spirit creeping in.
It does not keep a record of wrongdoing... this right here is what got me. I remember everything, all the hurt, all the actions, all the facial expressions and when that pops in my head I go down a path and refuse to give my love like I am supposed to. This is my biggest struggle right here in relationships, work places and more. I literally get a scar from that burn weeks ago even so many years ago. Every time I glance at it I feel the pain and put up a block to restrict the love.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. But who's truth... my truth is what I was following. It wasn't too far from the bible but you know how people like to bend the truth to make it fit them? Yes that is what I was doing.
It always PROTECTS, TRUSTS, HOPES, PERSEVERES, that is how I wanted to receive the love but I wasn't giving it. I was selfish and only wanted what others could give me with my distorted view of what love really was.
I am so glad God is not like us because His love never fails.
As I get older and mentally and emotionally prepared to enter this next pivotal time in life (hitting the big 30) I definitely want to start doing life differently and more effectively. I want to do love so much better. I want to be better than my past.
We all can do a little bit better everyday.
Time to start doing this right!
God Bless,
Cicely Renee
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