Sunday, January 4, 2015

Celebrating Christmas all the up's and down's

I may not have received the divorce on that day however I was in the stages of filing for it. I was staying with my mom and a couple days earlier was like a movie that I had no control over. It was like I was watching my life unravel and couldn't believe this was happening to me. I just wanted to breakdown, cry and fall out, but my SUPER STRONG Aunt said, " No crying until we leave!" My family and I were going to get the last of my things after things got really ugly. I just wanted to run away but that was not possible at that time.

My family around me was like Cicely, is this yours? I was like huh... I swear I do not think I was really there and it was all a dream. Woke up the next morning emotionally and physically drained and had to call into work.

I was in flight mode, preparing for what I did not want life AFTER DIVORCE. This phrase kept coming up in my head, " Who knew forever was so short" I had hopes for a forever love, a family with this man, starting a ministry with this man, traveling the world, learning and growing together. My hopes and dreams quickly came to a halt. It had only been two and a half years and people based on my Facebook page thought we were the happiest people on Earth yet with all that happiness came a lot of pain and hurt. I wanted to work on it yet we both struggled to stay happy and then just like that it ended.

I do not want to talk much about my marriage or my ex-husband online because the purpose now for this blog and vlog has now turned to Thriving after Divorce Happens. I was one where I did not believe for ME in divorce and was planning on, "till death do us part" and "for better or for worse" but it happened.

I can be honest I might be in denial and suppressing my feelings but hopefully I can really grieve and accept the fact that my marriage has ended.

I stayed with my mom and hung with my family and feel like I haven't grieved my marriage and that I was just living day to day. I have been distracted by the holidays and being around family which helped me for the time being. But now I live alone and am going to have to deal with self. I did a lot of caring for others and now it is my time to take care of myself.

My top fears while going through this is:

  • Going insane- there is a movie that plays in my mind and sometimes it goes crazy and I do not want it to come to reality. I have had some panic attacks which is no fun. 
  • Being alone- I have not lived by myself for the past 5 years and I enjoy companionship 
  • Really going through my feelings- I tend to suppress how I feel and I know it only leads to destruction yet I do not like crying and feeling vulnerable. 
  • Giving into flesh- Scripture says, Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. THE SPIRIT IS WILLING, BUT THE FLESH IS WEAK
I will be blogging and vlogging my experiences so please feel free to give me some encouragement, advice, etc

At this point my divorce is not final but it is happening and I tend to take care by many different avenues so stay tuned! Maybe you are going through, have been through or taking precautions, whatever it may be I hope this will be a blessing for you!

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Peace and Blessings,