My family around me was like Cicely, is this yours? I was like huh... I swear I do not think I was really there and it was all a dream. Woke up the next morning emotionally and physically drained and had to call into work.
I was in flight mode, preparing for what I did not want life AFTER DIVORCE. This phrase kept coming up in my head, " Who knew forever was so short" I had hopes for a forever love, a family with this man, starting a ministry with this man, traveling the world, learning and growing together. My hopes and dreams quickly came to a halt. It had only been two and a half years and people based on my Facebook page thought we were the happiest people on Earth yet with all that happiness came a lot of pain and hurt. I wanted to work on it yet we both struggled to stay happy and then just like that it ended.
I do not want to talk much about my marriage or my ex-husband online because the purpose now for this blog and vlog has now turned to Thriving after Divorce Happens. I was one where I did not believe for ME in divorce and was planning on, "till death do us part" and "for better or for worse" but it happened.
I can be honest I might be in denial and suppressing my feelings but hopefully I can really grieve and accept the fact that my marriage has ended.
I stayed with my mom and hung with my family and feel like I haven't grieved my marriage and that I was just living day to day. I have been distracted by the holidays and being around family which helped me for the time being. But now I live alone and am going to have to deal with self. I did a lot of caring for others and now it is my time to take care of myself.
My top fears while going through this is:
- Going insane- there is a movie that plays in my mind and sometimes it goes crazy and I do not want it to come to reality. I have had some panic attacks which is no fun.
- Being alone- I have not lived by myself for the past 5 years and I enjoy companionship
- Really going through my feelings- I tend to suppress how I feel and I know it only leads to destruction yet I do not like crying and feeling vulnerable.
- Giving into flesh- Scripture says, Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. THE SPIRIT IS WILLING, BUT THE FLESH IS WEAK
At this point my divorce is not final but it is happening and I tend to take care by many different avenues so stay tuned! Maybe you are going through, have been through or taking precautions, whatever it may be I hope this will be a blessing for you!
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Peace and Blessings,
Cicely-Renee
When you put up walls today, you're acting as the person you once were. And the reality is, that person doesn't exist anymore. So your old mechanisms are protecting someone who doesn't exist and the today you doesn't need someone else's armor. (And this new person in your life isn't the one who hurt you. What worked then won't serve you now.)
ReplyDeleteThe flip side of this coin is not beating yourself up for wall building being your go-to. It's an imperfection, for sure, but it's also just a part of you. Once you're aware of it, you get to step back and decide if a situation (or a person) are wall-worthy. And more often than not, they aren't. But they just might be love-relationship-friendship-worthy. Once you see this, then one puzzle piece at a time, you can step away from your walls and toward people instead.
Are you an (emotional) wall builder? How do you keep the walls down in the relationships that you do let in?
I’m not used to someone who is good at communication and I find myself bottling things up inside and trying to deal with them on my own because I’m not sure what I can/can’t say at this stage.